Day 6

I had 2 confrontations with people this week. Both of them left me feeling sick to my stomach. I hate the way I feel afterwards, I hate the second guessing every comment, and I hate feeling like i should have said something different or differently. The first one was with a classmate I have known for a long time. In the end I ended up apologizing for speaking harshly towards her. It was over something stupid and wasn't worth any more drama.

The second one was with someone I have just recently met. The conversation lasted for over an hour and I left feeling so defeated. This person- hands down- is smarter than I am. I have no doubt about that. Because of that, and because this person referenced things I knew nothing about- I let this person make me feel unworthy, stupid and so very discouraged. I cleaned out my pantry and cabinets today, and during that incredibly mundane task- I replayed over and over our conversation. And it still hurts today. This person seemed to have a predetermined negative opinion of me. And I hate that instead of speaking my mind- I was bullied into being quiet -into being LESS.

I have been in a similar situation with doctors before. When Riley was 3 she fell really hard at a wedding reception and we ended up taking her to the er. The doctor on call so openly discredited my opinion- and told me she was just throwing a fit and to calm her down and take her home and put her to bed. After 3 more trips to the er that night- I finally grew a back bone and told the doctors I wasn't leaving until they figured out what was wrong. They finally- to appease me- did a ct scan in which they found that she had hit the floor soo hard that her brain had slammed into the front of the skull bruising it, and then slammed backwards and bruised that back of her brain. She ended up spending the night and the next day in the hospital to be watched. Why did I do that- why did I back down from something I felt so stongly about?

Why even days later does this latest confrontation play in my head, and make me feel like LESS? Why do I care about their opinion at all. Why do I care if someone tainted their opinion- with their own bad feelings towards me.

And above all this- what in the world was I to learn from all this? With taking a leadership role at church- I have opened myself up to alot of scrutiny. Over the past 2 years I have had more people upset with something that I have done, or not done then the past 10 years combined. And each time someone confronts me about this the words "teachable spirit" run through my head over and over, believing that for whatever reason God would use them to teach me something I needed to know. But the latest confrontation left me feeling so bad that I don't see the lesson in it. I just feel the hurt from it. And the regret that I allow it to make me feel that way.

Marianne Williamson wrote this, and later Nelson Mandella quoted it in a speech....
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light,not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others..