John's cancer is back.
He will spend the next month completely off of his medicine- which will make him get more and more tired. The week before Christmas we will have to go to Columbia for 4 days where he will be tested, poked and scaned- followed by swallowing a radioactive iodine pill which will burn any thyroid tissue in his body. His throat will feel like it has a sever sunburn. This pill is so potent that he will have to spend the following 4 days in isolation, so as to not harm me or the kids. There is a possibility that he will have to have another surgery. There is the possibility that it has already spread to his soft tissue- like his lungs or brain.
I want to tell you that everything is going to be fine and that we are all holding up great- but the reality is we are sick of this crap. My husband has felt bad everyday for the last 2 1/2 years. If we are going to do something in the evening- he will need a nap in the afternoon. And that is how he feels when he IS being medicated. But now for the next month he can't have any of his medicine. Which will not only make him tired, but also impatient, grumpy, forgetful, scared and sometimes just downright mean.
I feel like there is a 2 year old inside me wanting to get out and throw a fit on the floor and scream that "I don't want to do this". I don't want our holidays to be like this. I don't want to worry again. I don't want to have to take up more of the slack. I don't want to see him be so wore out. I don't want to see him forget mid-sentence what he was talking about. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!
But for some reason this is what God is asking of me now. I wonder if there was a lesson in this the last time around, and I didn't learn it well enough. Is God using John's sickness to show me something. To break me of something, or to build me up for something. Or is this just a concequence of a sinful world. Yesterday I woke up feeling excited about the holidays, and the fun stuff I have planned for the kids. And tonight I go to bed feeling so weighted down. This just doesn't feel like my life- like I shouldn't have a husband with cancer, or I shouldn't have to think about radioactive pills, or daily pukings or I shouldn't have to plan no-salt meals for my crazily picky husband.
And through all of this I will think of the Casting Crows song- Praise you in this Storm- because I do serve a powerful Lord who sees my tears and hears my prayers. And I have to keep telling myself that "all things work together for the good of those who love Him".
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
Though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights…”
-Habakkuk 3:17
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4 comments:
It's ok for that 2 year old to come out and scream every once in awhile! Don't feel guilty about that!! You are right that our God is an awesome one and he will see you through. Continue to try to be excited about all of your wonderful Christmas plans, your kids need that, you need that and John will appreciate the sense of "normalcy". I love you guys. I will pray without ceasing for John and for you guys. Please let me help any way I can. I am close by if you need me!
Erin, I want you to know that I am crying with you and for you (literally)! I love you guys and hate to see you hurting like this. It's not fair! See, I am a two year old too. It's okay to not want to do this. Just remember that you aren't doing it alone. He is in control and will carry you when you feel to weak to walk on. It seems so easy for me to say this as I am not the one going through it. I can only imagine the pain and struggle you are enduring. Rely on Him and trust the He has a plan for you and John for His mighty kingdom.
Erin, what can I do for you? Pleas know that I am here and all you have to do is ask.
Erin, I am so sorry that you and your fmily are going through this again. I feel so selfish that I haven't called or talked to you lately. No words that I say will ease the pain that you are in, but I will pray for you and John. It's okay to get mad and let your frustrations out. It's okay to yell and scream once in a while too!! I know that you are worn out and tired from going through this for the past 2 1/2 years, but John is going to be leaning on you even more now. I will be praying that you will be strong enough to hold him up!!! Please let me know if there is a good time for us to drop in for a visit. Love you.
I'm so sorry! You have every right to kick and scream and let that 2 year old come out with all it's might! I'm praying for you guys. Our God is big and can do all things. If you need ANYTHING, let us know. Don't forget the kids are always welcome at our house anytime, day or night.
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